Feeling the effects of roasted owl

by Mark Hartley

For a laugh, I clicked through www.oldsuperstitions. com the other day. Some helpful hints, however, do exist on the Web page. Are any of you wondering what to do about dinner tonight? Consider roasted owl. According to the Web site, "Any man who eats roasted owl will be obedient and a slave to his wife."¹ Forget about the benefits of serving it to hubby. Plop the roasted bird on a serving tray and take it to work.

"Doctor, I brought lunch into the office today."
"It's about time you showed a little of that team spirit. Smells good. Don't mind if I do. That tastes pretty good. But it's not chicken, is it?"
"No, it's owl. Have another bite."
"Owl, huh? I'm surprised. Doesn't taste bad at all. Did you marinate it in something?
"Plum wine. Have another bite."
"Hmm, right tasty. Did any of the assistants bring anything to this potluck lunch? Like potatoes or salad?"
"No. The owl will fill you up. Have another bite."
"OK, OK. I'm shoveling this down as fast as I can go. By the way, did you ask me to check Mrs. Smith for her exam a few minutes ago?"
"Yes, I did."
"Well, I should hop to it. I shouldn't keep you waiting."
"No, no, that's all right. Have another bite first."
"Don't mind if I do."
"I'm so glad you are enjoying my roasted owl. I was sort of thinking that maybe you should bump my hourly pay up 10 bucks an hour."
"You're absolutely right. And we should make it effective today."

Superstitions used to pass for science. For example, if you left your copy of The Road to Wealth: Suze Orman's Complete Guide to Your Money back at the thatched hut, you would always heed what Momma said, "If you shave your head on a Saturday, you will be in perpetual debt."¹ Superstitions were the closest thing you could find to a refereed journal.²

A contemporary superstition is that women envy men because of the belief that men walk an easier path through life.³ Somebody needs to send this brainstorm over to the American Frozen Food Institute: Roasted owl ... containers and containers of it to stuff in every freezer in the United States.² "I'm going to the spa. If you get hungry, there's roasted owl in the freezer."

Other contemporary superstitions involve the dental hygienist:

• When you see that a dental appointment is coming up in a couple of weeks, start doing everything you're supposed to be doing with oral hygiene, and no one will notice.² A few fellows with beards and hiking boots spend way too much time studying the stump of a felled tree. They can tell can you if the tree was feeling sprightly when George Washington crossed the Delaware, or if too many bugs accompanied Columbus in 1492. The female versions of these guys are called dental hygienists. "That roasted owl that you had for dinner three weeks ago was a little undercooked. You should consider flossing every day and not just three days before the appointment."

• Dental hygienists are exaggerating when they instruct you to "floss only the teeth you want to keep."² It's not an exaggeration. Of course, this sort of proves true the old superstition of "Counting a person's teeth robs them of one year of life for every tooth counted; this is why some people cover their mouths when they laugh, smile, or yawn."1 The tradition continues onward today. A guy tells his wife, "Honey, you were the hit of the party! But the hostess is a hygienist. I can't smile. I can't let her see my teeth."

• Dental hygienists serve roasted owl in an effort to achieve patient compliance.² Not yet, but it's coming. The delay is due to the fact that roasted owl only makes half of the patient load obedient. They're still trying to figure out what food will enslave female patients. If chocolate is not an ingredient in the final choice, Valentine's Day will be forever changed.

By the way, in regard to the enslaving and obedience part, chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans will usually do the trick for me. Save the spotted owl!

Mark Hartley is the editor of RDH. He can be contacted at [email protected].