by Mark Hartley
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Me: You look familiar to me. Never mind. I need to get somewhere in a hurry.
Used car salesman: Partner, have I got a car for you! Look at this beauty right here. Look at the shiny grille on the front of this baby. It gleams and gleams and gleams, doesn't it? I was going to give this to Mom on Mother's Day, but I guess I just need to sell it to you, huh?
Me: Looks like the bridge is out. How is everyone going to get across?
Engineer: I have shipped off the specs for the repairs to China. Parts and labor will be here in about three weeks. I've made a temporary bridge out of wax that you can cross there. Otherwise, make an appointment to cross this bridge in a couple of weeks.
Me: I'm stuck at home for a couple of weeks. My wife wanted a dimmer for this room. Can you install it?
Electrician: The amperes indicate varying duty in this domicile. The continuity is dependent on ambient temperature as we measure the ampacity that will be evident during the bonding jumper procedure.
Me: Yes, I, uh, didn't understand what my electrician was telling me. These, uh, pipes that the wires disappear into are now leaking. That green stuff on the floor has been kind of smoking like that for several days now. Is it radioactive?
Nuclear technician: Well, it's not as bad as Chernobyl, but it's worse than Three Mile Island. I'm going to have one of the girls come in and work on this for a while before I come back.
Me: It looks like my bills are going to be piling up. So thank you for seeing me. As you can see from my resume, I have a lot of skills that I can offer to your company. I would like to moonlight here to earn some extra income.
Personnel director: Wages! You want to talk about wages? Wages? Whatever we pay you will be waaaayyy too much!
Me: Store opens up in five minutes, huh? I guess I'll wait out here with you. Nice weather we're having, huh?
Actress/customer: I vant to be alone.
Me: I was driving back from the store, and the front of this car fell off. Guy said he put it on himself.
Insurance adjustor: Your policy is worthless. Find some fee-for-service body shop to put it back on for you.
Me: Uh, let's see. I'll have a cheeseburger with a large soda. No fries.
Cashier: The first option on your hamburger is that it will pass through your digestive system in about three hours. The second option will pass through your digestive system in about six hours. We're not sure if the third option will ever leave your digestive system. Which one do you want? The price varies on how quickly the beef passes through you, ya know?
Me: Have I told you lately how beautiful you are?
Wife: My neck, back, and hands are hurting. I'm going to bed.
Me: I don't know. Everyone has just seemed a little hostile to me today. Can you help me figure out if it's just my imagination?
Psychiatrist: Yeah, whatever. Sometimes we just need to sit back and think about whether life is worth living.
Me: Whoa, boy! After what I have been through, I need to party! Whoops. I guess I shouldn't do it here.
Preacher: No, come on in. Booze is in that corner. I've got some blow and reefer over there. Help yourself. I've been monitoring and watching your sins. So keep on going, son. When you've sinned too much, I'll do something.
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