Had someone told me when I was in my 50s or 60s that I would still be working at age 70, I would have laughed at them. My plan was to reach my full Social Security age (66 years and two months) and then retire, and perhaps temp now and then if the spirit moved me.
On March 17, 2020, my office, like most others, closed due to COVID-19, and for three months I had a taste of what retirement might feel like. I planned projects, like cleaning the basement and organizing old photos, which I never got around to. Most of the time I spent reading and walking in the woods with my dogs, and I loved it. My extroverted friends had a harder time with the forced solitude, and they texted and called a lot. I realized that I could very easily give up the social aspect of working, which was something I had questioned prior to the shutdown.
I was close to my full retirement age, and it made sense to retire during that scary time. When the office was about to reopen, I received a phone call from my boss, asking me how I felt about returning to work. Although I had been pondering retirement during the shutdown, I hadn’t reached a definite decision, so I suggested that the young part-time hygienist and I switch schedules; she could go full-time, and if there was a need for more hygiene days, I’d pick them up.
Since we were a bit slow in the hygiene department prior to COVID, and I didn’t think people would want to receive preventive care during a pandemic, I figured I was as good as retired, without having to actually make that difficult decision. Boy, was I wrong! I was unprepared for the flood of patients who were anxious to come back to the office (sometimes, I suspected, more for the social outlet than the actual dental care). It seemed my plan—which wasn’t really any plan at all—for retirement hadn’t succeeded. So I went back, this time as a part-timer, and again began counting down the months until I reached my full Social Security age.
Planning for retirement
For me, the financial aspect of retirement planning wasn’t the difficult part. I read books, went over all our expenses, spoke with financial planners, and realized that my husband and I were in good shape for retirement. We had both worked hard all our lives and lived within our means and could afford to retire comfortably if we were careful.
But age 66 and two months came and went and I was still working. Why? I asked myself … and had no answer. It wasn’t because I needed to work. I enjoyed (or tolerated) my job (most days), but I certainly didn’t love it so much that the thought of leaving was unbearable. I simply didn’t know why I couldn’t commit to retirement.
So I sat down and made two columns: pros and cons of retirement. Well, that didn’t really help either, since they kind of balanced each other out, and I didn’t know how to weigh the importance of each pro and con, so … I did nothing and kept working.
Am I old?
Since I switched from full-time to part-time after the shutdown, I had to tell patients who requested their appointments with me that I was only there certain days now. When one patient said, “Oh, so you’re semiretired,” my gut reaction was, “What?! I’m not semiretired; I’m part-time.” Somehow, the word “semiretired” made me feel old in a way that “part-time” didn’t. Then I realized that the only difference between the meanings of the two terms is age. That patient would never have called my 30-something-year-old fellow hygienist semiretired when she was working part-time.
Like many others (according to my hair stylist), I stopped dying my hair during the COVID shutdown, and since the color was mostly grown out by the time the salons reopened, I simply had my stylist cut off the colored ends and went back to work au naturel (white). Maybe it made me look older, or maybe patients wondered whether the pandemic had me thinking about retirement (it did), but around that time patients began asking me not to retire. You don’t ask a young person not to retire.
Suddenly, I felt that patients saw me as old, which was actually a ridiculous thought, since I was old. But, like so many other old people say, I didn’t feel old.
Yes, I am old, but that’s OK
Those retirement comments from patients got me thinking, not just about whether it was time to retire, but also about my possible inner reasons for why I had not retired. Denial of growing older is probably a common reason that people don’t retire when they can, but I suspect it is also one of the least examined reasons. It’s simply something that many don’t want to think about.
Rather than considering that maybe I was afraid of retiring because it would make my oldness undeniable, it was easier to say that I was continuing to work for various reasons … because who knew which way the economy would go; because I wanted to continue providing dental treatment for my own family; because my boss would have difficulty finding a replacement due to the shortage, and that wouldn’t be fair to the patients; because I like spending time with my coworkers; because … well, you get the idea.
My reaction to patients’ questions about retirement was mixed. While it was nice knowing that they didn’t want me to leave, there was also a definite feeling of discomfort. I had to come to terms with the fact that, yes, I am old. But I’m also healthy and have a wonderful family and wonderful friends and enjoy life. So, I told myself—and eventually came to really believe—it’s OK to be old. It’s true that my body is not the same as when I was 20, but that’s OK too, because this old body can still do many things that I enjoy.
It took me a while to get to this mindset, but when I did, it stuck. And now I was ready to retire … or so I thought.
What’s holding me back from retiring?
After accepting the fact that being old is OK and that retirement can be filled with lots of enjoyable activities, I decided to retire at the beginning of 2024. I told my boss, and almost immediately regretted it, without knowing why. My boss placed an ad and received no responses. Since I had told him I’d continue until he found a replacement, I was still working and still questioning my decision to retire. After months of no responses to his ads (hygienists are in very short supply), I finally told him that I would continue working if he gave me a raise. Of course, he agreed (he really didn’t have much of a choice).
So much for retirement. Now I really began questioning what was wrong with me; why couldn’t I just do it?! Time for more introspection.
I need to be needed
My three months of pseudo-retirement during the COVID shutdown showed me that I didn’t really need the socialization from my job as I once feared I might. If I didn’t need the money, and I was OK with being old, and I didn’t need the social aspects of my job, what was it that prevented me from feeling 100% sure that it was time to retire?
That question nagged at me throughout most of 2024. Since I was working only two days a week, I had time to think on the other five days. And the more I thought about it, the more I suspected it was approval that I craved. I loved when patients praised me and requested me every time they came in.
Now, admitting that I craved approval from patients did not make me feel good about myself. In fact, it made me feel kind of pathetic. But it rang true … I did crave their approval. And that set me onto another path of introspection. Why was I so needy?
The answer to that question came to me over several months of self-reflection. Without going into detail, the end result was that I was able to accept the forces that had shaped me into the imperfect person I am today and make positive changes in thinking to help me become less needy.
The final piece of the retirement puzzle
After I dealt with the fear of growing old and my craving-approval issues, the final piece to confront was my mental health. If I had any lingering doubts that it was the right time to retire, they were put to rest by—of all things—politics (that evil word!).
I think most hygienists have noticed that many people, including patients, simply can’t keep their opinions to themselves. No matter how hard I tried to steer patients (and sometimes coworkers) away from the topic, they would insist on talking about politics. Patients often erroneously assumed I was in agreement with their views, but I certainly didn’t want to get into a debate with them in the chair. Neither did I want to imply by refusing to engage that I agreed with what I often thought were incorrect or even abhorrent views. The constant political talk took its toll on me emotionally.
I realized that at this stage of life, I no longer wanted to deal with—nor do I have to deal with—the unnecessary stress that political ranting brought me. I decided to walk away from the negativity and focus only on the people whom I chose to focus on, mainly my family and friends. I realized that I can’t solve all the world’s problems, and simply talking about them did nothing but cause anxiety. What I could do was make an impact on the lives of people I most care about. And that’s what I’ve chosen to do in retirement.
I found my resolution
My final decision to retire was the result of five years of contemplation. Most people probably think (especially every Sunday evening), “I can’t wait until I don’t have to do this anymore.” I often felt that way too. I never expected the decision to be so difficult. I never expected to still be working the day I turned 70. But I found it took a lot of introspection to understand what was holding me back.
Many people retire with no second thoughts and no regrets. Some continue happily working way past when they are able to retire, and that’s fine. But others retire and then are miserable … or continue putting off retirement without really knowing why, even when they dislike their jobs.
It’s been only a couple of months since I retired (for real this time). Unfortunately, my boss has not found a replacement and temps are still hard to come by, but I no longer make that my problem. I have offered to fill in once in a while, which I am glad to do, but I no longer question whether I made the right decision. I know I did.
Not everyone is this introspective. But I suspect that if we take the time to really consider our personal emotional reactions to the thought of retirement, however long it may take, then when the time is right, there will be no more second-guessing or regrets.
I am honored to have cared for and had the trust and confidence of so many patients over 47 years. But now, it’s time to take care of myself.
