Mark Hartley, Editor
Thanks for coming. This is a big job, but I want to thank the ADA and the ADHA for entrusting me with it. As you know, the associations are allowing me, at this time, to settle issues of compensation and benefits for dental hygienists. I`m not sure how enthusiastic they were about it. The reaction was more like: It`s your headache now, buddy!
Regardless, I appreciate all of you doctors stopping by today. I`ve heard some of you grumbling that my office really isn`t big enough to contain all 100,000 of us, but I think my plan will send you home soon enough.
Basically, what I`ve done here is create two piles of resumes for all of the hygienists in the United States. On that table over there, underneath the sign that says HGL, is one stack you may want to review.
HGL stands for Happy Go Lucky. What we`re talking about here are all the hygienists who are not particularly demanding about their earnings or benefits. Maybe they have a spouse who brings in big bucks. Maybe they just like part-time hygiene. Most of the ones in this group, after all, are married and have kids. They`re not cheap; you still have to pay a good wage. But any raises or benefits that you offer will be out of the kindness of your heart. They just like the flexibility of hygiene and having a life outside of work.
Over here, above this table, you can see the sign that says IACD. IACD stands for It`s A Career, Dummy. These are the resumes of all of the hygienists who want to, you know, have a full-time professional career.
As they become more experienced and valuable, they want, uh, a little more money. You`re going to have to review them at least twice a year and offer a percentage increase. Welcome to the world of business! You need to pay according to experience - you just can`t pay everyone the same thing. And benefits are more than just a symbolic gesture. They`re a necessity. We`re talking about the kind of people who have this intense pride in what they do - sort of like you. They`re not just going to go, you know, marry somebody in order to get on a health insurance plan.
Hope that explains the system. If you`ll just form two lines here, you can start reviewing the resumes. I`m going to step out of here for a second to get a soft drink. Anybody want anything? Uh, you think I`m buying? They`re 55 cents each. I see everyone`s hand has gone down. Be right back ...
There`s nothing like a cool soft drink ... Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! What are you doing? I said two lines. How come everyone`s standing in the HGL line? I want to see some people over here at the IACD table right now! Let`s go! Move it! As the official arbitrator, I`m entitled to give the orders around here.
You`re more stubborn than mules. Granted, there`s nothing wrong with the resumes in the HGL pile. Some very talented hygienists, who can melt any sourpuss patient with compassionate, competent care, are just waiting for you to call them. But you can say the same thing about this IACD pile. The difference is that they`ll do it for a full 40 and do it for the lifetime of your practice. The price tag isn`t that steep, and you`ll be rewarded 10 times over. They`ll help you produce more dentistry than you ever dreamed possible. The rewards of this approach are magnificent.
So, come on! Let`s see more bodies in this line! Please?
There`s simply not enough resumes in the HGL pile for all of you. What are you going to do? Start some preceptorship program or something, and ignore all this talent in the IACD pile? You`re really thinking about wasting time and taking a hit on productivity just to train a few hygienists yourself? Come on, the ambition of a well-trained hygienist who wants a full-time career is a good thing. You`ll see.
Come take a look! This is your last chance to snatch up some wonderful employees?
Excuse me, I need to make a phone call. Hello. This is Mark Hartley. You can have the frigging job back! It`s your headache now, buddy!
Editor Mark Hartley can be contacted at [email protected]