Mark Hartley, Editor
An alarming statistic reported by the American Society of Parentless Children is a 200.8872 percent increase in orphanages. It appears that more of us are asking for a wage increase. The ASPC says that orphanages are being built at an astounding rate near middle-class suburbs where accountants reside. The society observes the following trends:
- Employees insistently request a raise from their immediate superior. Most workers in this category have already been duped once by the "phony payroll spreadsheet." Employers create a fake payroll statement and leave it in plain view on their desk. They place a coffee mug and a couple of pencils on top, so it appears to have been lying there for a while. All employees who possess any eyesight at all "notice" that they`re the highest paid employee in their department and all of their colleagues qualify for food stamps. The employee`s guilt emerging from this trick works just once; then they assume everything on a superior`s desk has been doctored.
- The employer then turns the request for an increase in pay over to the accountant, who can be found fine-tuning the "subtract" button on calculators. The Society of Mechanically Inclined CPAs (SMICPA) recently reported the benefits of calibrating the minus function. With a loupe and a tiny screwdriver, they can adjust it any way they want. The society`s journal, Popular Mechanics for Accountants, quoted one CPA as saying, "I started practicing with my home budget. We really needed a gas-powered edger for our lawn. I gave it a little twist here for my wife`s expenses and, presto, I`m the envy of all the guys in the neighborhood on Saturday afternoons."
- The accountant starts off by spending approximately13 weeks straight at the office to determine the potential impact of a wage increase on the departmental budget. The actual impact, of course, varies from business to business, but the ASPC determined through its research of CPAs that the average wage increase bumps payroll overhead up from 23.86295 percent to 23.86296 percent.
- The CPA`s homework, of course, gets tougher. How will the increased payroll overhead affect the current five-year plan implemented by the business? "It messes it all up," is what the ASPC quotes 76.3103 percent of all CPAs replying to the question. At this point, accountants order the cot removed from their office, which is replaced by a $1,200 sleeper-sofa at the employer`s expense. An average of 37 weeks is required to re-adjust any employer`s five-year plan for wage increases.
- The final question posed to the CPA is: Will my business go bankrupt if I award this employee a raise? Since all the figures have already been re-adjusted, the typical CPA needs only two more weeks of all-nighters to recheck some numbers and ascertain that the employer`s financial health will withstand the blow of a wage increase of between 4.979 percent and 5.214 percent.
- The good news is then delivered to the employee. Of course, since it took 52 weeks to earn a raise, the employee immediately gets the ball rolling on the next raise. The employer waits 4:58 seconds after the employee closes the door before calling his accountant.
A new orphanage is being constructed every 12 seconds in the United States for the children of our accountants. This is a horrible tragedy. For the sake of these poor parentless children, I join the ASPC in asking you to reconsider asking for a raise this year.